Reel Life vs. Real Life

Reel life, Lifetime Style: Average American woman, determined, never-give-up, been-through-hard-times and manages to smile through much of it. Her life to most neighbors and friends seems normal. She makes a life changing decision, many years under consideration, lots of counseling, separate, together to avoid breaking up a family, despite the lack of closeness, cohesion and happiness that was her definition of a family. Friends and family were stunned. Why were we not told? How will you support yourself? Some friends became immediately distant by the changes, challenges ahead of her, others drifted slowly away, stating they wished to maintain the previously close friendship.

The eventual ex-husband had been through this when he initiated a divorce during his first marriage. "So who gets the friends?" he asked one afternoon. Still silent with him, she thought what friends? You haven't made any of them your friends... I had to plead and promise we'd leave early to get you to participate in any socializing with them, you belittled them, their habits and lifestyles, you never accepted any of their overtures of friendship, poker, golf, hell they even asked you to the movies. No, she didn't say any of this, all of which was true. Instead she said, "They care about you, too. I won't tell them anything that will make them not like you. I'd never ask them to choose." He responded, "they'll cut me out anyway, just like Cara's family and friends did."

Reel Life: Months later, a large group of women around a table at a restaurant, laughing and drinking, celebrating and encouraging the protagonist newly 'single' status. Cut to ex-spouse, his buddies taking him out to the movies after having a 'few' at a nearby bar.

Real Life: This seems to be a journey one takes alone. It almost feels dishonorable to bring others into the ending of such magnitude. If anything, were there something like friendship, caring, history, true concern, the loss would be mourned by the two parties involved. Maybe the ending reflects the true nature of the relationship. Remnants of the feelings, expressed with convincing description during the marriage would surely override anger and blame. Maybe the words weren't true. The actions didn't fit then, so it should come as no surprise that actions and words don't match, there is no longer any attempt to make them look real unless someone is watching or can be used in court.

More Real Life: There is no 'cut-to' a happily-ever-after when matrimony turns into acrimony. Initially, friends were stunned, later a few expressed different, supportive words, some noticing things I hadn't. There was no bashing, no bad-guy, no ex-hating. And still, I was mostly silent. I was focused on the real life issues I had to deal with, how to show a Court that has a strong bias against move-aways, why it was not only necessary but the best thing for our children. First, it was agreed between us before we even married, second the financial toll of seriously ill children, ex's unemployment and my postponing school and work at request of ex when I was too young to see our life on this dark path made the option of staying in the bay area prohibitive. Even with a very expensive attorney, my life was filled looking at similar cases, current cases, previous rulings...looking for anything that might be missed.

So many legal twists and turns, no time to explain to friends or family, only the ones directly involved knew, understood. Evidence? Not necessary. Suggested guidelines ignored at the whim of whomever is on the bench. Mandated reporters fail to report. Chronic contempt of court, defiance of the Court's orders with no accountability, no enforcement. Accusations made without any substance with no forum for defense. This isn't criminal court, it's Family Court. Trying to explain to people who knew me always lead to disbelief, "That can't happen", "They can't do that", "That's not right".

Real Life...it can happen, they can do just about anything they want and it's not right. Shaking your head in disbelief? Try to find free legal aid and representation for Family Court in Santa Clara County. Call the Pro Bono Project, Legal Aid, Santa Clara County Bar Association, all Court entities. Look at their websites, physically go to the District Attorney's Office, who will send you to The Public Defender's Office, who will assure you they know for a fact Family Court Self-help Service Center will assign you an attorney who will represent you in court. Every is helpful, apologetic and helpful...until you get to the Self-help Service Center, yes you can talk to an attorney, and no they won't prepare motions, responsive declarations or represent you in court. That's it. Do you want an appointment or not?
No, no thank you. I've already tried this.

In California, if you are accused of a crime, you have the right to an attorney to protect your legal rights, in Civil or Criminal Court. In Family Court, there is no one to protect your legal rights or your children's legal rights*. I wouldn't have known until I went through this process. I hope I would have cared, even if it affected people I didn't know, I think I would have cared. I've been searching for the Divine in this very dark path, and it came to me when I read an article in a law magazine, while waiting to talk to my attorney. The article was on the terrible state of Family Law in California and was encouraging more attorneys to take on these cases as Pro Bono. Apparently my attorney didn't read that article. People need to know, understand what they undertaking when they enter the Family Court Arena. They need good legal representation, that costs a lot of money. They may or may not have it. They need support, someone to show up with them in court, each time, even when they say they are fine or they don't ask. If you have a friend or loved one going through it, show up. It won't fix everything that is wrong with the Court system, but I promise, it will let your friend know you care and you have their back.